Wanting and Things You Can't Have
by Daze Rivers
Summary: Tamaki and Haruhi's relationship problems are only growing, and Kyoya doesn't want to be there for the fallout. Instead He just wants to play Dragon Age and not think about his feelings for Tamaki or his future.
1. Don't Be a Homewrecker

Kyoya contemplated the character selection screen in front of him.

"I just worry that I made a huge mistake. I followed her half way around the world, I was willing to leave all my friends and I…" Tamaki ran a hand through his hair as he paraded around Kyoya's apartment. Kyoya sat on his couch, laptop across his legs. Which character origin should he play this time? Kyoya was going to play through all the Dragon Age: Origins character backgrounds before he did his first play through.

"I-What if I don't really know her at all? What if this was all a mistake and I should have let her go on the exchange program by herself and broken up with her. It's clear this was more important to her than our relationship, but I…what if I just fell in love with the idea of her and…" Tamaki was pacing. Kyoya ignored the guilt in his stomach. His apartment's heat was probably cranked up too high, at any rate sweat was pooling across his collarbone. And across Tamaki's. Kyoya watched a bead of sweat travel down Tamaki's throat. Mentally he shook himself and focused.

So far he had played as an Elven Mage, a Dwarf Commoner and an City Elf. Should he be a Dwraf Noble then? Hmmm.

Kyoya clicked on the dwarf icon.

Tamaki sighed and threw himself on the couch beside Kyoya. "I just don't want to be with her because that's what I think I should do or because I invested so much. Or because it's what I thought I wanted. That could turn out really badly, it could turn out with us married and miserable and I-I don't want to make that mistake." The _I don't want to make the mistake of my father_ went unsaid. Kyoya focused on customizing his character. His heart rate was starting to pick up with something like hope before self-hatred quashed it down.

What was wrong with him, that he was happy at his friend's pain? He knew he wasn't impartial, that liking Tamaki would make it impossible to ever be impartial about this, but Kyoya had tried so hard to get them together. He had thought he'd be able to be happy for them, and on some level he was.

Kyoya bit his lip and adjusted the skin tone of his dwarf. He didn't like thinking that if he hadn't brought the host club to Boston, Tamaki and Haruhi would be by themselves and Kyoya wouldn't have any friends left. Except Kaoru. Kyoya didn't like to think that next year, if he got into Harvard, he wouldn't have any friends at all. Not even Kaoru.

"What are you doing?" Tamaki turned to Kyoya.

"Playing dragon age. Nanako Shouji sent it to me as thanks when she realized we had been escorting her during my birthday."

"Right," Tamaki leaned in close, body heat radiating off him. He smelt like eucalyptus. "I meant, why are you using my laptop?"

"The CD only works on PC, my mac needs some direct to download thing," Kyoya waved off the question. Or he waved off the question Tamaki really wanted to ask, which was why was Kyoya even bothering to play some commoner rpg.

Since moving to Boston Kyoya had had a lot of free time on his hands. His English was pretty fluent, so classes weren't especially difficult, and without the host club activities and with America's reduced number of school hours, he had a lot of time on his hands. Especially since Tamaki was always off with Haruhi and while hanging out with Kaoru was fun, Kyoya was just a little bit creeped out by him. Honestly, who wants to wake up with someone sitting next to you on your bed, having been beside your unconscious, defenceless body for god knows how long?

"Well, if you're not going to listen to me, can I play too?" Tamaki beamed. It was just a little bit fake. Kyoya looked at him and then at the screen. He raised an eyebrow while Tamaki rolled his eyes. "Okay, can I watch you play then?" He wasn't smiling any more.

"I can't control what you do." Kyoya said. He wiped his sweaty palms on the side of his leg. Tamaki leaned even closer. "I think, with Haruhi, the best you can do is talk it out. Communication and all that. It's normal for relationships to have problems." Kyoya tried to swallow.

"I just don't like that I'm the one always apologizing, and always being accommodating and Haruhi isn't. I make a mistake and spend forever making up for it, but she makes a mistake and then what, forgets about it?" Tamaki sighed and Kyoya could feel Tamaki's breath against his face. _He had a girlfriend._

"Do you remember when we met those Lobelia girls? Well I may have blurted out something homophobic—"

"That love between two women wasn't real?" Kyoya hmmed.

"Yes-Okay I realized that was dumb. But I knew it when I said it too! I was just so nervous that she would leave and I was going to say anything, (offensive or otherwise) that I thought would make Haruhi stay. But I…I keep apologizing for that, to Haruhi, and yet, she doesn't even think she did anything wrong." Kyoya raised an eyebrow. Their faces were too close for him to turn.

"You're talking about the time Benio said the host club was inferior because you're mixed race."

"YES! And Haruhi 'defended' me by basically saying I was 'too good' to be mixed. What is that? How come she never says anything about that!"

"As much as I enjoy talking about your relationship—"

"And I'm bi." Tamaki blurted. Kyoya's heart stopped. He heat travelled to his face as his hand stilled over his laptop keys. Tamaki's breath was still at his neck.

"What."

"I haven't told Haruhi. I'm not afraid to exactly. Her dad's bi and I don't think she's going to be prejudice. The thing is I don't know how she's going to react. I know how Hikaru would react, even how Mori would react, or you, but it occurred to me I didn't actually know what she would do. Would she say it wasn't important? Would she say it was good that I was being more self-aware? I-when I figured out I liked her, I figure out that I liked guys too. Since I liked her when I thought she was a guy and straight guys don't develop crushed on people they think are men—"

"Tamaki." Kyoya's voice was steady, but barely. "Are you going to shut up? You said it yourself, you have nothing to worry about. Her dad's bi, she's a good person. Noe be quiet or I won't be able to hear the game dialogue." Tamaki closed his mouth and Kyoya finished his character creation.

His heart was beating in his chest and he tried not to feel sick. He was happy for them. He wanted them to work out. Tamaki deserved to be happy.

Tamaki. Deserved. To. Be. Happy.

n

Kyoya and his Dwarf Noble were still making their way around Orzammar when Haruhi knocked on the door. He saved his game and let her in wordlessly. She was fidgeting and holding a notebook and textbook in front of her.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

Haurhi sighed and placed her things on the table in Kyoya's kitchen. She sat down, waiting for Kyoya to sit beside her. She looked tired.

"I was wondering if you could help me with English. I'm not struggling much, but you're definitely the best person I know in English."

"Why didn't you ask Tamaki?" Kyoya sat beside her and flipped open Haruhi's textbook, it was an analysis of Shakespeare's King Lear.

"I didn't want him to…"

"Worry you'd get 'distracted'?"

"No!" Haruhi blushed. Kyoya skimmed book. It hit a little close to home, especially considering the plot of the Dwarf Noble Origins. That poor Aeducan bastard.

"I didn't want him to ask him for help. I just…" Was she being proud or were the relationship problems more severe than Tamaki had made them seem? Kyoya's gut tied itself in knots. "I used to think Tamaki was an idiot, and then I thought he was really sweet and just lonely and naïve. But sometimes it's just so frustrating because he just…"

"Is an actual idiot?" Kyoya guessed. For all Tamaki's sweetness, he was also a huge dork, and a teenage boy who with little concept for personal space and a love of terrible puns. To this day Tamaki could not keep a straight face while saying "Sandy Beaches." Tamaki was also incapable of ignoring chocolate fountains or walking by cute dogs without petting them. He spent hours deciding what to wear and constantly tripped going up stairs.

"I don't know." Haruhi said. And Kyoya realized that was the wrong thing to say. What had started as a question about Tamaki's lack of tutoring ability was quickly going to be a Haruhi Venting Session. Kyoya could feel it. "There's moments when everything great, where we're cuddling and," Haurhi smiled, wistfully, turning even redder. "But it's not like that all the time, and sometimes he's just so frustrating. He expects me to laugh at stupid jokes or stuff…well sometimes I get the feeling he'll think I'll laugh at them because _you'd_ laugh at them—"

"Did you want to study English?" Kyoya turned the book to face Haruhi. He ignored his pounding heart and the migraine that was forming by his left temple. Haruhi looked taken aback for a moment. She narrowed her eyes, searching for something in Kyoya's expression. Then she pressed her lips into a firm line and nodded.

"Tamaki's been talking to you about our relationship." Before Kyoya could say anything Haruhi barrelled on about English and then they did spend the next hour or so studying. When she finally left Kyoya thought he'd have more time to himself, but realized he had several unread text messages from Tamaki.

 _I know the perfect way to resolve our problems. It's only December now, but I'll do something big for Valentine's Day!_

 _I SHOULD TAKE HER SKATING! Haruhi said her and her dad used to go skating every year on Valentine's Day!_

 _I don't know how to skate ._

Kyoya bit his lip. Even as he typed the message he questioned his motivation.

 _I know how to skate_

Kyoya put his phone down and didn't think about it. He wanted Haruhi and Tamaki to work out their differences. He wanted Tamaki to be happy. He didn't check his phone until right before he went to bed.

 _Kyoya, that's great! Will you teach me! PLEASE! :'(_

Somewhere in Kyoya's brain a small voice was whispering, usually he ignored it, but just then, at one o'clock in the morning, it was hard to suppress.

Tamaki could be happy with someone else, it said. And for once, Kyoya didn't have a response.


	2. Nightmare

Kyoya hadn't brought his skates with him to Boston, so teaching Tamaki to skate meant buying new skates for them both. Then it meant walking around with Tamaki who insisted that he learn to skate on a pond, because it was more romantic. Except a pond didn't have boards. So there was nothing Tamaki could cling to. Nothing except Kyoya.

Right now Tamaki was holding onto Kyoya's shoulders for dear life as he tried to stand without falling. Kyoya's bare hands were holding onto Tamaki's hips, trying to keep him steady. It was cold out on the rink, biting, but not bitter. There was snow on the ground that hadn't been there a week ago and it wasn't even officially winter yet. The ice on the pond was definitely too thin and there were too many people skating circles around Tamaki and Kyoya. Kyoya hated the visual of breaking ice, it reminded him of his mother, of their car careening off the bridge to the frozen over river below.

Tamaki's grip tightened and then loosened. Tamaki's hands were warm on Kyoya's arm and Kyoya felt warm, except his gloveless hands, which were, as always, freezing. Cold hands, cold heart.

"I think I got it," Tamaki said. He moved, and suddenly pitched forward, tackling Kyoya to the ground. Tamaki was like a heater, and his face was flushed red and his eyes were wide and right _there_. His mouth was right there too and Kyoya bet it would be as warm as the rest of Tamaki.

"You're too close." Kyoya pushed Tamaki off of him; thankful he could blame his reddening face on the cold. Tamaki had a girlfriend. Tamaki's girlfriend was a good friend of Kyoya's. He had put in a lot of effort to make sure they were together.

Tamaki laughed, Kyoya's stomach summersaulted and Kyoya wanted to punch something. If only so he could feel the skin of his knuckles break. He'd only punched something once, a car when he thought he wouldn't be able to get to Tamaki in time. He punched the car, but it had felt _good_. For some reason it had felt right.

Kyoya wanted to feel right.

Tamaki's hand was sticking up in the air as Kyoya got to his feet. Carefully Kyoya took it, hauling Tamaki up and into his arms. He smelt like ironed linen, how a cottage would smell. Warm throw rugs and warm wooden beams overhead. Cozy.

"You know I was think I should spend less time with Haruhi. I think the issue is that if you're around someone all the time, things start to seem bigger than they are, and I should have spent more time with you." Tamaki smiled. He was still too close and when Kyoya tried to hold him at arm's length Tamaki gripped his forearms Fingers searing into Kyoya's skin. "So the next time you play Dragon Age I'll come watch you play. Or I'll buy a mac version and play it on _your_ laptop." Tamaki grinned, then looked up at Kyoya. His smile fell. "Are you okay? You've been weird lately…"

"I, you and Haruhi are both my friends, I don't want to be caught up in the middle of your fight."

Tamaki didn't look like he believed Kyoya, but he let it go. Kyoya didn't like that. It felt like Tamaki was admitting defeat, or like Tamaki could see what Kyoya was, and was deciding to let it lie, untouched.

It took too long for Tamaki to learn to stand by himself. Kyoya stomach alternated between free falling and sinking, a dive from a bridge into deep lurking water than just kept going deeper, only this repeated, again and again.

After a while Kyoya got Tamaki to stand upright. Kyoya skated backwards, allowing Tamaki to practice the motions of going forward. Were people looking at them? Did they look like a couple? Kyoya wasn't sure what he wanted, except he did. Kyoya gritted his teeth. He knew exactly what he wanted. He just didn't want to want it.

"We should come here next week." Tamaki said. "And the week after that, every week at least once, that's only eight weeks until Valentine's Day." Tamaki wasn't looking at Kyoya. He was looking somewhere far away. Kyoya wondered whether Tamaki was making a mountain out of a mole hill. If Haruhi and Tamaki weren't just the perfect couple they seemed to be. It was a relief when Kyoya realized that was what he really wanted.

"You'll have to make up something to do then, if this is supposed to be a surprise for Haruhi." Kyoya tried to loosen Tamaki's grip on his forearms, but the Tamaki's hands moved to Kyoya's.

"She won't ask. I don't ask her what she does as your apartment every Wednesday."

Kyoya shivered. "If you're mad at me I'd rather you tell me than play mindless guessing games."

"I-I just miss you and you keep trying to push me away." Tamaki shrugged, like this wasn't a big deal. Kyoya's stomach tightened and he felt sick.

"I—"

"If you don't want to tell me what's going on that's fine. But I'm sorry for leaving you. I didn't, I didn't mean to make you feel like you were second place to Haruhi, I guess I was just so concerned she'd leave, I sort of figured you'd still be with me and I shouldn't have taken you for granted." Tamaki looked at his hands, intertwined with Kyoya's.

Kyoya was looking at Tamaki, and not looking behind him. He bumped into someone, thankful for the diversion of deep emotional talks. He didn't deal well with this sort of thing. The last time he had had one of these talks it had ended with him screaming at his sister-in-law, tears ready to spill from his cheeks and hands clenched in anger. He had been ten or so.

"You're my best friend Kyoya, and you mean a lot to me." Kyoya watched Tamaki's Adam's apple bob as Tamaki swallowed. Kyoya said nothing. Tamaki sighed, like he was disappointed and Kyoya didn't blame him. "Anyway, next time you play Dragon Age, tell me. I want to see the other origins to."

"I finished most of them actually. I only have the Dalish Elf next."

"Ooh, who are you going to pick to play the rest of the game with?"

"I don't know." Kyoya didn't know. And he didn't want to talk, but talking about this was easier than not talking and having to think. For all Kyoya hated small talk, he hated introspection more. What did that say about him then? What was he afraid to—"I was thinking of doing two playthroughs with good and evil morality."

"You should do four since there are four different endings." Tamaki said. Kyoya raised his eyebrow, but Tamaki was still looking at their hands. Or the ground. It was probably the ground, why would Tamaki be looking at their hands? "I did some wiki searches so I wouldn't be lost. Have you thought of who you're going to romance?"

"Wah-" Kyoya coughed. "What?"

"In the game, you can romance one of the companions have you thought—"

"Only you would think that's important." Kyoya said. They argued back and forth as they skated. The crowd started to thin out, but the air grew colder. Kyoya's hands were bright red, but he didn't say anything. The cold hurt, just a little, but it stopped him from floating away, from thinking this was something that it wasn't. The biting pain in his fingers also stopped him from wanting to scratch at his neck or break something.

At one point Tamaki took off his own gloves in an attempt to warm Kyoya's hands. "You should really wear gloves you know." Tamaki's hands were too hot. It was like holding the sun and Kyoya didn't want to be Icarus, he didn't want to burn or fall.

But he'd already fallen.

"I have twelve fingers," Kyoya grunted. "Hard to find gloves that fit."

Tamaki only hummed and rubbed their hands together. Kyoya hated it. When they were finished, Kyoya lead Tamaki over through the snow to a wooden bench and helped Tamaki take off his skates. Kyoya was wearing jeans and the snow soaked through them, freezing his knees where he was kneeling. It was okay. Kyoya didn't think about his sister, playing ice hockey and teaching him how to skate where their mother had left off, kneeling in front of him to help him take on and off the skates. He didn't think about how much he missed that. He had no one to blame but himself. As much as he loved Fuyumi, it was so much easier to be away from her than to be close. Close meant disappointing, wanting things you couldn't have, wanting understanding and…

"I'm planning on telling Haruhi I'm bi this week." Tamaki said. Kyoya grunted and unlaced the shoes. He rubbed his shoulder, a habit whenever he wanted Tamaki to offer to massage him. Kyoya stopped when he realized what he was doing and started down at Tamaki's laces. "It's not that I think she'll be biphobic but I…I just want her understand how important figuring out my identity is. I want her to care about it. I want to feel like she's trying, like she wants to be with me and not like it doesn't matter either way. You know…even when she confessed to me she didn't say she was in love with me, she said 'maybe' she 'could love' me or something. Like maybe if I tried, like I have to constantly try and she…I just want to feel wanted."

Kyoya didn't say anything. He didn't say "I want you" or "you're the prince of the host club, everyone wants you." He especially didn't say the first one, the truest one. Instead, he removed Tamaki's skates and then went to work on his own.

"Everyone wants to feel wanted," he said after a while. He was quiet and he wasn't sure Tamaki heard him.

Eventually Tamaki said something, but it was even quieter, and Kyoya didn't hear it. They walked back to the exchange student apartments, in silence.

Kyoya longed for idly chatter for Tamaki to crack bad jokes or trip over something or spot a dog. They got to their apartments without saying anything substantial until Kyoya turned to walk into his room.

"I just want you to tell me what's wrong." Tamaki said. "I want you to want to tell me what's wrong. I…I want you to trust me." He swung his skates back and forth. Then he, just like Haruhi had before, searched Kyoya's expression for something and, not finding what he was looking for, pressed his lips into a line, nodded to himself and left.

n

When Haruhi didn't show up for their weekly tutoring session Kyoya was tempted to just sneak into Tamaki's apartment, take his laptop and play Dragon Age. He didn't have to think about his life when he played Dragon Age, he just had to think of which character was going to be the "evil one." He'd decided that the elven mage and the city elf were out. The mages and elves were oppressed enough he didn't want to set a bad example. He would still play both of them later though.

He thought about the Dwarf Noble, the third son in line for the throne, whose middle brother tried to manipulate him to kill the eldest, then, when that failed, had killed the eldest brother himself and framed Kyoya's dwarf. He didn't want to think about that one.

He knew exactly why he didn't want to think about it, and he knew if Tamaki was wiki searching things, Tamaki would know too. He wanted to tell Tamaki what was wrong, but there were so many things wrong Kyoya wasn't sure where to start.

Eventually Kyoya got up and headed over to Haurhi's. He tried the door before he knocked and opened it to see Haruhi and Tamaki eating silently at the kitchen table. They were having some sort of pork. Or Haruhi was eating some sort of pork curry, Tamaki was picking at the greens around it, pushing the meat to one side. To say the atmosphere was tense was to say Kyoya was a bit closed off.

Haruhi looked up when Kyoya entered, understanding flashing across her face briefly.

"Oh, Kyoya, hey."

"Hasn't Tamaki been trying to keep kosher since Yom Kippur?"

"Yes," Tamaki said pointedly. He was still looking at his food. His shoulders were slumped and he looked like he was tired of fighting. Haruhi rolled her eyes. She was not tired of fighting. Kyoya suspecting if fighting was anything like running, Tamaki would be a sprinter and Haruhi would run marathons.

"Then don't eat it," Haruhi smiled, and Kyoya was sure somewhere a vase of flowers were wilting. For a girl who was normally so sweet, she could be cold. Like some bizarre, inverse Kyoya.

"That's not the point." Tamaki said.

"It is the point."

Kyoya wasn't sure if they just didn't care he was here, listening to them fight, or if they kept forgetting.

"You," Tamaki pointed his chopsticks at Haruhi, then seemed to decide that was too bold, placed them on the table. "You said you wanted to cook something for me, and that it was important to you that I eat it, you could have checked—"

"I spent an hour making you Katsu Curry because _you_ asked for curry—"

"There are plenty of curries that don't have pork!"

"Then make yourself something!"

"I just don't see why I have to be the bad guy just because _you_ made me something I couldn't eat, when you could have just avoided it!"

Haruhi gritted her teeth and breathed very slowly before stalking out of the apartment. Kyoya figured she was heading over to his place. He watched her go before turning back to Tamaki.

"Well she didn't plan this very well." Kyoya said. Tamaki opened his mouth to say something, but Kyoya continued. "But she _tried_."

Tamaki's face fell and Kyoya wanted to rush over and say something. Not that he knew what to say. Or what was appropriate to say.

"You said you wanted her to try, and she's…trying."

Tamaki's expression softened. But he didn't smile. He ran a hand through his hair, and his hair stuck up, refusing to come down.

"I have to go." Kyoya didn't make any move to leave.

"I know." Tamaki said. He turned back to the food. It was _treif,_ but it was Haruhi's. Tamaki frowned. "I know." Kyoya turned to leave, but Tamaki wasn't finished talking. "Who taught you how to skate?"

"My mother, before she died."

"She died?"

"Everyone knows she died." Kyoya clenched his jaw. "Haruhi knows, the guests know. Your dad knows." Kyoya shrugged.

If Kyoya was being honest, he still had nightmares about it sometimes. They all started the same, him and his mother in the car, on his sixth birthday. Then, the car pitching over the rail, the driver smashing his head on the window, broken glass and blood floating in the air for an instant.

He remembered or dreamed, it didn't matter, being pushed out the sunroof as the car hit the ice over the lake. He dreamt about the sound, the sickening crack before the car sank. He remembered thudding on the ice, how much it hurt, how the air had been filled with his mother's screams and then, and then nothing. Silence as the car sank beneath the ice, being pulled into the river's hungry depths.

Sometimes he woke then, screaming, sometimes he didn't. Instead, there great beasts, made of beaks and claws and feathers black as tar, dark as blood; sometimes these beasts would crawl up onto the ice from the water, demanding his soul. They would drag themselves toward him, dark, bloody smudges lying in their wake. Their claws would reach for him, their beaks, their rows of teeth would gnash, starving, waiting.

 _You let your mother die for you._

Kyoya would scamper back on his hands and feet, bare skin freezing to the ice. His monsters would follow him. They always followed him.

 _You don't deserve to be here._

 _It should have been_ you.

Kyoya ran, climbed up the river bank, rocks slicing his hand. He pressed on, bleeding, hurt. He out ran his monsters, knowing they'd be back. They didn't die, they couldn't die, they were a part of him. They were him. Kyoya ran all the way back to the hotel where his family was.

Kyoya wasn't sure how his real, six year old self had made it. He didn't remember that part, but in the dream it stretched out infinitely, until he never quite made it. Or the reverse, sometimes he'd start to run and then he'd suddenly be there, looking at his dad as he realized Kyoya was alive. And Kyoya realized no one had been looking for him.

In his dream, his dad would stare at him, face him and accuse him of being irresponsible. He would yell and scream and lunge and Kyoya would wake up, also screaming, also lunging. In real life, his father hadn't screamed. In real life, six-year old Kyoya had arrived at the hotel, realized no one was looking at him, and then watched his father turn away. His father turned his back on Kyoya and Kyoya realized, in that moment, exactly what he was.

He didn't want to think about that now. He didn't want to think about how Tamaki not knowing changed things. Kyoya didn't want to think.

"I didn't—"

"Everyone knew." Kyoya remembered all those times Tamaki had talked about Haurhi's mother. He remembered how dedicated he was to impressing her, how he had prayed at Haruhi's mother's shrine and visited her grave.

"I thought your parents were divorced, you don't have any pictures of her up and usually—"

"Everyone. Knew."

The memories, the nightmares, almost indistinguishable now, were flooding back. Cracks were opening up, he was going to fall apart. Kyoya felt a tremor in his arm, the urge to pick at his neck and he knew. He knew.

Kyoya left and stood in the hallway outside of his door. He whipped the half-formed tears from his eyes and tried to keep his hands from shaking.

 _You don't deserve to be here._


End file.
